Jeff Whitten, Columnist
Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and just so you know, there’s a rumor out there that longtime PMFL member and Bryan County Commissioner Noah Covington is being considered for a job in President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet.
Word is Covington is being vetted for a role in the cabinet as Trump’s Secretary of the Posterior. And lest you think that’s a new role, apparently not. Other presidents have had them, too, according to Google, though perhaps not on purpose. It’s unclear whether the posterior job required any of the previous holders to change their name to Gluteus Maximus Bombulum, wear sumo britches and chase fake news reporters around the room if they got out of line, but there are reports that Covington hopes that’s the case if he’s appointed. Stay tuned.
As for Covington’s more immediate future, he’s winding down his long and distinguished service on the Bryan County Commission and will leave his District 1 post in December – turning it over to Commissioner-elect Alex Floyd in January. They will Indian leg-wrestle one more time for old time’s sake right after Christmas. The winner of two out of three gets a year’s supply of Highway 280 tater logs. The loser has to write this column.
What else is new in PMFL land?
Welp, some of us think former Congressman Matt Gaetz looks like an evil Donny Osmond. That’s because he does.
Even my wife, who rarely has a bad word to say about anyone, sort of goes “ewww” when she sees Gaetz on TV.
Others amongst us are mad Democrats persist in being Democrats despite the Republicans winning everything in sight on election night. Apparently it’s not enough to win anymore. Totally humiliating and reducing the other side to abject despondency is what’s called for, by golly. After all, we’re all Americans – only some of us are more American than others. And we show it by wearing our patriotism all over our t-shirts made in China. Stomp my flag, by golly.
That’ll all end in January of course.
The promised Trump Tariffs are going to make stuff from China so expensive we’ll all have to go naked and brush our teeth with twigs and eat our cereal out of the carton.
This week’s standings:
Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor remains in first place with 25 misses to date. Ben is from Ashburn, Georgia, THE FIRE ANT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD AND MAYBE THE UNIVERSE – I like putting that in all caps, for some reason. True story, though: When Ben was a teenager he used to ride fire ants to school.
The Rev. Lawrence Butler, or Liturgical Larry as we call him sometimes when he’s not looking, is in second with 28 misses. If we ever have a cabinet in the PMFL he’s a shoo-in for Secretary of God’s Going to Get You for That.
Tied for third with 30 misses are former Bryan County News Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, B.J. Clark, Mike Clark and Mike Brown. Ted is from Michigan and sojourned down here for a year or so, and set the AC in the BCN office on 60. B.J. is a retired Navy chief rear petty admiral and big cheese in the American Legion Post 164. Mike is the only one of us to have groupies and these days that’s more than enough to get him on a Republican ticket somewhere; Mike Brown is the world’s oldest living sportswriter and a Marine and he thinks the rest of us are a bunch of sissies.
Noah, once in the lead, is now in fourth with 31 misses. He’s got bigger fish to fry.
Retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell, he of the swampy patois and cavernous sinuses, is in fifth with 33 misses. Freddy’s now selling fire apparatuses, by the way, in case you need one. I’m hoping for a deal on a fire truck so every time a certain obnoxious neighbor builds a bonfire I can put it out.
Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD, is in sixth with 34 misses. Gene, also known as District 5’s representative on the County Commission and one of the funniest men on the planet, should have his own podcast so he can talk about that time he lost Richmond Hill’s official Founder’s Tooth.
The aforementioned Floyd, who puts his pants on both legs at a time, is in seventh with 38 misses. Floyd is only 30 or something like that, and at the rate he’s going he’ll have had 49 jobs by the time he’s 40, and probably be governor by then too.
In last with 39 misses each are Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who keeps getting re-elected despite his weird habit of saying “that’s right, that’s right” every other couple of sentences, and me, the world’s second best looking hobgoblin.
This weeks’ games:
• Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina: Georgia Southern got overly familiar with the pooch last week, losing to a 2-7 Troy team in a game that could’ve kept the Iggles in the lead for a berth in the Sun Belt title game had they not imploded. Still, all but me pick the Eagles to beat CC. I think GS can’t stand prosperity.
Either that or the Eagles’ are getting paid back in bad karma for all the times their fans talked too much smack.
• North Carolina State at Georgia Tech: Woofpack? What’s a woofpack? We all take Tech.
• Indiana at Ohio State: Noah, the Rev. Larry, Freddy and me take the Hoosiers. I do it because I’d rather get caught picking my nose by some smirking teenager with a camera who in turn posts it on social media than pick the Buckeyes. By the way, driving home the other day I passed some guy in a Buckeyes shirt jogging in front of my house. I honestly wondered for a second how I could make knocking him into the ditch look like an accident.
• Texas A& M at Auburn: Me and my buddy B.J. take Auburn. We don’t know why. Well, I do. I’m doing it for B.J.
• Vandy at LSU: Noah, Mike Brown and Carter choose Vanderbilt. I’m on the fence and reserve the right to change my pick Sunday.
• Army at Notre Dame: B.J., Mike Brown, Rev. Larry, Ben, Ted, Freddy and Dr. Gene take Notre Dame to win over this nation’s Army. What’s up with that?
• Marshall at Old Dominion: The Herd against the school that made the voting machines Republicans hated last election but which did ok this election. Mike Clark, Alex, Mike Brown, Carter and Big Ben – I’m calling him that because he’s shorter than I am, and I’m 5-foot-6 -- take Marshall.
• Furman at Mercer: Me, Freddy and old Lima Bean Gene take the Paladins. I miss the old So Con days. And my mother says Georgia Southern should move back down to I-AA.
• Houston at Arizona: Mike Brown, Rev. Larry, Freddy and Dr. Gene-ious take the Astros.
Er, Cougars. Surprised lady’s man Mike Clark didn’t take Houston, too, given his, well, never mind.
Hope you have a great week. Don’t take any wooden bitcoin.
Now retired, Whitten is a columnist for the Bryan County News. He wears many hats, particularly baseball caps.