Welcome to week whatever it is of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the world’s only Pembroke Mafia Football League and an all-around good egg. We’re also the only PMFL to have our own hats.
You can buy one signed by the most important members of the PMFL for $50 each by emailing gsu1995@gmail. com. One size fits all. Not responsible for condition of hat upon purchase.
Also, to set the record straight --- the PMFL is going to be around the rest of the season. It has not folded up its virtual tents and stole off into the night like some sneaky carpetbagging vinyl siding salesman from up north.
Nope. The PMFL brainiacs – that’s in this instance B.J. Clark, Noah Covington and Jeff Whitten, who also doubles as me, the writer of this thing once BJ tells me what to type – met for lunch at Picho’s Tacos in Pembroke the other day and decided that as long as there is one little snotty nosed kid out there who longs to grow up and join the PMFL and help fight for law and order and the American Way, we’d keep on keeping on. So far we still have Alex Floyd as that kid, so we’re keeping on.
At least for the rest of the 2023 season. And with that, here’s this week’s standings, courtesy the Bryan County News.
Mike Brown, the world’s youngest sportswriter, is in first all by himself with only 20 misses to date. Ted O’Neil, the northern sasquatch from Michigan who resembles a sort of modern-day Teddy Roosevelt, is in second with 21 misses.
There are three PMFL made members tied for third with 22 misses: Minister of Parts Mike Clark, who has groupies with big hair; Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, who hails from Ashburn, the Fire Ant Capitol of the WORLD, and in a less politically correct time would be Head Elf in Keebler County, Nabisco; and the Rev. Lawrence “Liturgical Larry” Butler, our religious advisor and the one responsible for keeping us on the right side of the Man Upstairs. So far he’s doing a pretty good job.
In fourth with 23 misses is the aforementioned Covington, who in addition to being an important cog in the PMFL wheel is also the King of North Bryan (MNBGA) and District 1 county commissioner. He’s probably our favorite PMFL member.
In fifth with 25 misses is Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Upsqueamious” Infinger IX. He’s from South Carolina, the best state in the world, and often says so. In sixth with an undeterminated number of misses is B.J., our retired Chief Petty Admiral and a big wheel in Pembroke American Legion Post 164. B.J., who enjoys cannabis and is thinking about growing some dreads, is the founder of the PMFL, so there’s that.
In seventh with 29 misses is the world’s funniest retired dentist and District 5 commissioner, Gene Wallace. Gene, who once resembled Gallagher but then discovered a Pilates class that let you drink beer, said he might get into professional wrassling one day. He’ll go by the handle, “The Tooth Fairy.” Stay tuned.
In eighth is Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell, who is from Waycross and has 31 misses. That’s not bad for a direct descendant of Obediabidadabadoo Howell, the first Howell to tame the Okefenokee Swamp and capture the dreaded Fenokee Frog, the world’s scariest swamp frog. He skinned it and ate it, with lemon and butter, and used the skin for a hackey sack ball.
In ninth is yours truly with 32 misses. In truth, that’s because I pick with my heart instead of my head. And sometimes with my toes or other appendages.
In last is the aforementioned Alex Floyd, our favorite 32-year-old snotnosed kid who was picking all home teams until he realized that was dumber than picking with your heart. He’s one pick behind Whitten.
This week’s games with a disclaimer that some picks were either submitted late or got lost in B.J.’s recliner and aren’t reflected below. Sorry.
Georgia State vs. Georgia Southern: This one is on ESPN on Thursday night!
Kiss of death probably for Georgia Southern, that once proud I-AA powerhouse known far and wide for Erk, Tracy Ham, Adrian Peterson, Paul Johnson and the Triple Option Flexbone Hambone. Alas and alack and anyway, Noah and Mike Brown pick the Panthers to pick a peck of peppers.
Duke vs. Louisville: Carter, Ben and the Rev. pick Denny Crum’s former team. Sort of.
Tennessee vs. Kentucky: Carter, Mike C. and the smartest guy in this column pick the Wildcats, even if Mark Stoops is the quintessential white guy from Ohio.
Oregon vs. Utah: Me and Gene take Utah. Which, if you change the letters around, spells Auth. Yep.
South Carolina vs. Texas A& M: Only one of us has the bottle to take the Gamecocks. That’s me.
Oklahoma vs. Kansas: Me and Noah pick the Jayhawks. I don’t know about Noah but I picked against Oklahoma because that’s where I went to basic training and learned how to blow stuff up.
UGA vs. Florida: I’m the only Gator picker. UGA will go down one of these days and I’ll look like a genius. Or probably not.
Air Force vs. Colorado State: Mike Clark, Alex Floyd and me take the Rams.
BYU vs. Texas: All Longhorns. Moooo.
Clemson vs. North Carolina State: Me and B.J. take the Wolfpack. Clemson is the Devil.