By Jeff Whitten, Local columnist.
Welcome to the latest installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and right off, this ain’t the Lowcountry.
That’s in South Carolina. And it will forever remain in South Carolina despite the best efforts of revisionist historians, real estate folks and geographically challenged transplants and website content creators from up north pretending Richmond Hill - and sometimes even Pembroke, of all things - is somehow in the Lowcountry.
It ain’t now, and it won’t never be, and yes, that’s a triple negative I think. And never mind that the fellow who Bryan County is named after was a rich South Carolinian. He didn’t bring the Lowcountry with him.
And yes, as an nth generation South Kackalakian this sort of cultural appropriation of my home state’s geography rubs me the wrong way.
Especially since I’m from the Upstate, which snootier folks probably relocated from up north and trying to sell houses sometimes refer to online as the Upcountry - but at least in South Carolina they’re referencing a term used way back in the day when folks of means who lived in the Lowcountry went to the Upcountry to escape the bugs and heat and poor people who smelled funny because back then they didn’t have deodorant.
Anyhow, in South Carolina, from left to right you have the Upstate, the Midlands, and on the right the Lowcountry and Peedee kind of stacked on top of each other.
It’s not rocket science. It isn’t even science science.
Ah well. At least local TV news folks get it right. Listen closely, and you’ll hear them say it: “And in southeast Georgia and the South Carolina Lowcountry.”
Which, by the way, is one of the few things they do get right, but then, they’ve got a lot of time to fill and it’s hard to be right all the time. Yet why we need 14 hours of newscasts a day when 13 of it is filled with national stuff is beyond me. Most stuff is.
Onward: In my email inbox the other day was a press release noting the 25th anniversary of the Great Ogeechee Music and Seafood Festival, which for as long as I can remember was just the Great Ogeechee Seafood Festival even though it had music.
In fact, long before I worked at this paper as a dumb editor, back when I was still a dumb field artillery soldier at For Bragg, I attended one of the first Seafood Fests.
It was way back in the late 80s or early 90s (sorry, my recollection of exact details like dates further back than Monday escapes me) and down in a field somewhere.
Most of what I did was drink ice cold beer with some friends and freeze with a couple hundred other people who seemed to be having a whale of a good time.
Oh, and back then I think Richmond Hill only had about 750 people.
Oh, and it might have been raining, or trying to sleet.
But, like everything else in Richmond Hill, the Seafood Fest grew. And just like everything else in Richmond Hill, it’s gotten more expensive, probably, though I haven’t gone as a paying customer to the GOSF since that one and only trip whenever it was. Sorry, but I’m averse to crowds because of the people in them.
In fairness, they’re probably also averse to me. I know how that works.
Anyhow, given that now instead of the GOSF we’ve got the GO+MSF, which is a new brand twist, per the email. Clearly that’s important, because if you don’t twist up that brand every few years nobody will probably know you have a brand, and lookout if that happens.
That’s why we in the Pembroke Mafia Football League are changing our brand to make it more in line with all the things the PMFL offers. No longer are we just a Mafia, or a football league, or even located entirely in Pembroke though our founder, B.J. Clark lives there and so do several of our members.
Nope. Now we’re the Pembroke Mafia Football League and Bar and Grill and Dentist’s Office and Literary Critic’s Hideout for Wayward Football Fans and SO MUCH MORE. Just call us the PMFLBGDOLCHFWFFSMM, and pass some shrimp, tarter sauce and a cold one while we listen to reruns of Leonard’s Losers.
Standings: B.J., whose fault this column is, and District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington are tied for first with 12 misses so far this year. County Administrator Ben Taylor, who is so short he needs a step stool and a running start to get on the commode, is in second with 13 misses.
Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, Ted O’Neil, our token northerner, and our spiritual guide, the Rev. Lawrence “Big Larry” Butler are in third with 14 misses each.
Dr. Gene Wallace, the world’s greatest retired dentist, is in fourth all by himself with 15 misses. Mike Clark, our personal fitness trainer and the only one of us with groupies, is in fifth place with 16 misses.
Retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell, now selling flame retardant drawers, is in sixth with 19 misses; I’m in seventh with 21 misses and the next District 1 Commissioner of the United States of Bryan County, Alex Floyd, s in eighth with 22 misses.
And in last with 24 misses is County Commission Chairman Carter “Caesar Augustus Titus Andronicus Cicero” Infinger, who is famed for his soaring oratory and his official mugshot - which makes him look kind of crazy on purpose.
This week’s games: Only one really matters, and that’s UGA at Texas. B.J. Alex, Mike Brown, Ted, me, Carter and the Reverend go with the Longhorns.
UCLA at Rutgers: Noah and Fred take the Bruins.
Bama at Vols: B.J. Alex and Mike Brown take Tennessee. Hah.
Notre Dame at Ga. Tech: B.J. Noah, Mike Clark, me, Freddy and Carter take the Wreck.
Virginia at Clemson: I’m the only one to take Clemson, Carter’s favorite team.
Iowa at Michigan State: Freddy and Alex take the Spartans.
Mercer at Samford: Dr. Gene, Noah, me and Carter take Samford.
East Carolina at Army: We all roll with the caissons.
Savannah State at Edward Waters: Ben takes Eddie W.
Miami at Louisville: Fred, Alex and our spiritual guidance counselor take the Cards.
That’s it for this week. May your favorite team win, and remember, we’ve rebranded to let you know we’re not the same old PMFL. And we won’t be the same old PMFL next week either, because we’ll have another rebranding next week. If there is a next week.
Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.