Jeff Whitten, Columnist

Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and this week we have a very special guest star – the elusive and reclusive Ewell Seymour.

Seymour, who has spots and halitosis and – let’s face it – is sort of gassy immediately after meals, popped up out the bushes Tuesday with a take on William Shakespeare’s “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Or maybe it wasn’t Shakespeare. Maybe it was Stephen King, but never mind. This here is pure Ewell Seymour his own self.

“Twas two weeks before Christmas, when all through downtown Locals were stirring and shopping around The stockings were hung, and the cookies were made It was the week before the Pembroke Christmas Parade Commission and Council were snug in their beds While dreams of subdivisions danced in their heads But Mayor packed her suitcase and Chairman did too And in dead of night to Korea they flew -- When out on the tarmac arose such a clatter They leaned in their seats to see what was the matter Away to the window they flew like a flea Propped open the shutter and what did they see?

The moon on the concrete and the new fallen snow Gave luster to the lights of bright Seoul below When what to their wondering eyes did appear?

But a ‘lectric Hyundai and bat’ry powered reindeer With a little old driver so lively and quick They knew in a moment it must be St Nick -- More rapid than eagles his bat’ries they came And he whistled and shouted and called them by name On Carter, on Taylor, on Anna and Sean On Zeigler, on Benson get up and get gone To the top of North Bryan to Megasite we ride Now Dash away, dash away old Santa Claus cried As the dry leaves that before the hurricanes fly When the big wells start up and the waters go dry So up the plane top, the bat’ries they flew With sacks full of money for the homebuilders too -- As they gazed in wide wonder they heard on the plane The jolly elf ’s voice called each one by name They turned to the cockpit and looked all around Down the center aisle came St Nick with a bound He was dressed all in red from his head to his toes His cheeks were all rosy and so was his nose A great heavy bag he had hung on his arm Grinning like a developer that’d just stole a farm His eyes how they twinkled his dimples did gleam He opened his pack for the Bryan County team A sack full of coal he plopped down at their feet For forgetting the people on their own local street “Representatives you are but only so in name” Old Santa turned red as the heads hung in shame “Go back to your people” boomed the now-angry elf “The multi-billion corporation can take care of itself.”

“To the people you serve good governance bring” “And try hard next year to do the right thing” A tear left his eye and it fell to the floor He wiped it away and then turned to the door.

He spoke not a word but went back to his sleigh To fill other stockings before break of day.

Laying a finger aside of his nose And giving a nod to the night sky they rose His ‘lectric Hyundai to the team gave a start And away they all flew like the throw of a dart But I heard him exclaim as they drove out of sight Merry Christmas to all, We’re going to make things right” So there you go.

This week’s standings:

The world’s oldest living human, Mike Brown, is in first with two misses to date. He didn’t miss any this week, so he’s probably getting help from the beyond.

Retired Navy bigshot B.J. Clark and soon to be former District 1 County Commissioner Noah “Frito Feet” Covington are tied for second with four misses so far. Mike Clark, the only PMFL member to have groupies who jiggle, is in third with six misses.

There’s a logjam for fourth with incoming District 1 Commissioner Alex Floyd, the Rev. Lawrence “Liturgical Larry” Butler, former BCN assistant editor and one-man newsroom Ted O’Neal, retired Fire Chief Freddy “The Sinister Sinus” Howell and retired dentist and District 5 Commissioner Gene “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em” Wallace, DDM, RSVP, all knotted up with seven misses so far.

Me and Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, who at 3-foot-8 is sometimes mistaken for one of Santa’s high-level helpers, are in eighth place with eight misses apiece. Oh, and I’m usually mistaken for Brad Pitt.

Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pontifus Maximus” Infinger the First is in last with 10 misses so far. He might set a record for misses before we stick a fork in this thing.

This week’s games:

• Navy vs. Oklahoma: Alex, Rev.

Lawrence, Ben, Ted, Freddy and Dr. Gene take the Sooners. We don’t know who Noah and Carter took because they were late for our early deadline with their picks week.

• South Florida vs. San Jose State:

Mike B., the Rev., me and Ben go the way of San Jose.

• Georgia Tech vs. Vandy: Gene goes it alone with Vandy.

• Southern Cal vs. Texas A& M:

Mike C., Ted and Ben take the Trojans.

• Tennessee vs. Ohio State: B.J.,

Mike B., Ben and Ted take Ohio State. That’s grody.

• Clemson vs. Texas: All of us are Longhorns this week, except maybe Carter, who went to Newberry College. He hasn’t officially taken Clemson, but he probably will. He’s got Dabo Swinney on speed dial.

• Indiana vs. Notre Dame: Those of us with football IQ’s take the Hoosiers.

• SMU vs. Penn State: Alex, Mike Brown and me go with the Ponies.

• Florida vs. Tulane: Alex and Ben take Tulane.

Disclaimer: Noah and Carter’s picks will be included in next week’s standings. They get a mulligan. His name is Bob Mulligan. He just moved down here from Akron.

Thanks for reading. Here’s hoping your Christmas is a bright and merry one, and remember the reason for the season.

Now retired, Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.