Jeff Whitten, Correspondent.
Welcome to another installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and this week we put aside partisan politics and elections to ask life’s important questions.
First, is Clemson legal? Some law scholars would say no, Clemson is not legal. It is instead probably a malfeasance, or at best a public nuisance, and if you vior dire some folks and threaten them with the ague they’d no doubt agree.
A few, no doubt with ties to that overrated cow tipping capitol of the Upstate over by my hometown of Pendleton, S.C., might argue otherwise, but they’re wrong.
Second, which institution of higher has the best looking cheerleaders? I argue for the University of South Carolina, namely because once back in the early 1980s whilst a student at USC in Columbia I was waiting for a class to start outside and a whole bevy of them walked past and it was clear that (outside my wife, and the wives of the rest of our PMFL members who might read this), there had never been created more beautiful women than these.
I saw then coming from a ways off and tried to look cool, by the way, but an angry bee had other ideas. As I was sort of nonchalantly flipping through a textbook with an air of erudition about me, a bee got all up in my grill - as the kids say now.
I didn’t like that and started swatting and swinging my textbook and jerking around in little circles like Jerry Lewis on Soul Train, trying to get rid of the bee and look cool doing it, which is impossible if the bee gets fired up.
It amused the cheerleaders, who were still beautiful and also kind, being from South Carolina, because as I recall one offered to chase off the bee for me and then carry my books to class. That’s as I recall, anyhow. So, not only great looking but humanitarians as well. Definitely the world’s greatest cheerleaders, while Clemson isn’t even legal in a court of law. Food for thought, Infinger.
On to the PMFL, which is on a short rope this week due to time constraints.
Standings: District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington is still in first place, per our fearless leader, B.J. Clark, retired Navy petty admiral.
But he’s also tied with Mike Clark, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and ancient mariner sportswriter Mike Brown, who have the same 24 misses as Noah. Noah probably played a harder strength of schedule.
In second is the Rev. Lawrence Butler with 25 misses. He’s obviously getting some help from upstairs.
Dr. Gene Wallace, dentist and District 5 county commissioner, is tied with former Bryan County News assistant editor Ted O’Neil, who shares a first name and style of glasses with a former president. They have 26 misses. B.J. is in fourth place with 27 misses, while retired Fire Chief Freddy “Swamp Butt” Howell is in fifth with 29 misses, District 1 commissioner-elect Alex Floyd is in sixth with 33 misses and I’m in seventh with 34 misses. How about them Gamecocks, whooping up on some Aggies.
In last is County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, with 37 misses, which is almost as many votes as his opponent got in Tuesday’s election.
This week’s games: Duke at NC State: Noah, me and Dr. Wallace and Grommit pick the Woofpack.
Miami at Georgia Tech: Rev. Larry, me and Freddy take the Wrambling Wreck to upset the Canes. Hey, it could happen.
Navy at South Florida: Ted and Carter pick the Bulls. By the way, a bunch of Miami people came up to Effingham County several years ago while running from a hurricane. About 100 wound up at the Rincon Walmart, walking around dressed like Jersey Shore characters and talking like they were extras in the Sopranos. Seriously. It was weird.
UGA at Ol’ Miss. Ted picks the Rebels. Even I, an avowed UGA disliker, picked the Dogs. That’s because Lane Kiffen is a smirker. I don’t like people who smirk.
Bama at LSU: Mike Clark, the only one of us with groupies, and me, Carter, Ben and Ted take the Tide to roll over the Bayou Bengalese. B.J., a diehard Auburn and Georgia Southern fan, is naturally hoping for those wholesome young men from Tuscaloosa to be humiliated but it won’t happen this year.
South Carolina at Vandy: Vandy is good this year. The Gamecocks are going to Beamer Ball them up one side and down the other. Maybe.
As a lifelong Carolina fan I can tell you there’s never any way to know what USC will do in a football game until after they do it.
Kennessaw State at UTEP: None of us can spell Kennessawippi, but me, Mike C. and Alex take them anyway.
Hope you have a great weekend. Also, learn from my experience. Don’t eat anything over one year past it’s expiration date. And remember, if it feels good you might want to make sure nobody’s watching when you feel it.