Jeff Whitten, Columnist

Welcome to a special Turkey Day edition of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and right off here’s hoping a possum drops a turkey down your chimney. That’s a Southern Thanksgiving tradition, for those of you new to the South. Also tradition is spray painting race car numbers on your riding mowers, so give it a try if you’re looking for ways to fit in down here.

Also, in the South we eat dressing, not stuffing. If somebody pulls the stuffing word on you then chances are they got some yankees in the woodpile pretty close to the top somewhere – just like two thirds of the population of Richmond Hill, Pooler, Rincon and Port Wentworth, and Pembroke and Springfield are getting that way.

Alas, whatever is going on, it’s only going to get more so before it’s over, and never mind that decades of groundwater withdrawal reportedly caused the Earth’s rotation to get out of whack – which leads one to think at some point our planet is going to go wobbling off into the universe.

The upshot is not only are farmers and private well owners and every other living thing here in the Coastal Empire going up a creek without any water in it thanks to developers and economic big shots’ unrestricted war on the aquifer and much of what’s on top of it, but now we’re all likely to wind up in another galaxy because the Earth is turning into a leaky water balloon, or something.

Also, South Carolina will beat Clemson and make Tiger fans cry. This includes many of my cousins – the extended family is from that part of the Upstate and many a relative loves orange. I do have one cousin who got mad at Dabo for something and now he pulls for Georgia, but then he’s always been sort of weird and prone to muttering for no reason.

I’ve got another first cousin who played offensive tackle for Seneca High School way back in the day and grew so massively big he once took the seat out of his pickup and drove around sitting on a lawn chair. Now he collects guns.

Ah well, what the heck. It’s Thanksgiving, and we at the Pembroke Mafia Football League are thankful we made it through another week of college football without embarrassing ourselves.

This week’s standings and, thanks to an early deadline, some Thanksgiving dressing: Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, in first with 25 misses so far this season, is thankful for the trampoline he got for Christmas last year and keeps in his backyard. Sometimes Ben dresses up as Rocky the Flying Squirrel – goggles included -- and bounces way up in the air hollering “Bullwinkle ain’t Spit.”

His neighbors are used to it. Ben’s from Ashburn. He’s what we used to call quaint. You can’t call people quaint anymore. They’ll fight you.

In second is the Rev. Lawrence Butler with 28 misses. He’s thankful nobody in the PMFL gets into Scientology like them crazy Californians who think we’re all going to be beamed up to L. Ron Hubbard’s special golden jacuzzi and tanning salon.

There’s a four-way tie for third with 30 misses between PMFL CEO B.J. Clark, retired Navy; former BCN assistant editor Ted O’Neil, Mike “Chick Magnet” Clark and Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living West Virginian. B.J. is thankful the Republicans won the election and made the Democrats cry Uncle; Ted is thankful he’s back up in Michigan far from hurricane country; Mike Clark, the only one of us with groupies, is thankful they’re familiar with tweezers and girdles; and Mike Brown is thankful for Franklin Roosevelt and bees knees.

Outgoing District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington is in fourth place with 31 misses. He’s grateful he’s not going to have to listen to whiny constituents from up North for much longer. Retired Fire Chief Freddy “Big Hose” Howell is thankful he’s no longer responsible for whiny firefighters. Oh, and he’s in fifth place with 33 misses so far.

District 5 Commissioner Gene Wallace, DMD and an all around good egg, is in sixth with 34 misses. He’s thankful he’s a retired dentist and doesn’t have to go poking around with a special flashlight in other people’s mouths all day just to make a killing.

District 1 Commissioner Elect Alex Floyd, who is fixing to find out what public service really means, is in seventh place with 38 misses. He’s very thankful he’s not from Ohio.

In last are me, the dumbest retired fake news newspaper hack in recent history, and Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, with 39 misses each.

Carter is thankful he’s no longer a member of the Clemson Cult and has become the South Carolina Gamecocks’ No. 1 fan. He even adopted a chicken, though to make room he donated the Infinger family possum to a nonprofit that turns them into therapy possums so people won’t stress out in Lowe’s.

I’m thankful Democrats accepted the results of the election like adults, because had the other side lost we’d never ever never hear the end of it.

Still, it’s time to start getting away from this two-party madness before they wreck this country and half the world with it. That’s presuming, of course, that Mother Earth doesn’t wobble off into the sun before then, taking us with it. Then it probably won’t matter which side you are on.

Go Gamecocks and Georgia Southern Eagles.

Be nice to kids, old people, dogs and cats and all creatures great and small. Remember that while you’re off today there are troops all over the world and first responders here who are working to keep this country and your rear end safe from harm, and to scrape you up off the road or put you in jail if you go and do something stupid while behind the wheel or anywhere else. Give them a break and stay home for the holiday. Our roads ain’t built for all the cars and pickups down here now.

Now retired, Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News. His favorite Thanksgiving dish is his wife’s cornbread dressing.