Jeff Whitten

Columnist

Welcome to the latest installment of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, and don’t worry, everything hereabouts is going pretty good. Sure, they could probably be better – I could always use an extra million bucks, for example, or new hair and a butt (mine seems to have slipped off at some point) -- but in the great scheme of stuff things are pretty good.

Especially if you compare our lives to those of the poor souls in some benighted parts of the world where folks are lucky to be able to eat once a week and a drink of water can mean the difference between living and dying. Those people got something to complain about, in my book. Not us.

Why bring this up now, you ask, in a PMFL column?

Here’s why. No matter where I went Monday, just about all I heard was people I didn’t know complaining within my earshot. First, a woman outside a store kept harping on and on to a cabal of ladies about a doctor’s office not taking her insurance.

Then, I overheard someone say the Democrats are going to give all the illegal aliens money to vote in the November election if we don’t do something to stop it. One wonders where she went next – perhaps to find some library books to burn, er, ban. Lord forbid anybody read anything that might turn them into someone capable of fact checking claims made by politicians trying to win elections.

In between, there were people sighing and stage whispering because they had to wait too long in line to buy stuff – “they need to hire more cashiers” – to me complaining about traffic the way I usually do, though I’m going to try to be better and show more gratitude. At least we got feet to work the pedals and roads to drive on, even if they are getting potholed up because of all the stupid dump trucks.

Which reminds me. The other day I had to go to the hardware store – I always go to Lowe’s because they give me the military discount, something I appreciate since nobody made them do it – and on the way remarked to a buddy that the traffic in Rincon was more than usually terrible for it being a weekday.

“It’s like everybody is retired,” he said. “Or they don’t work. A lot of them look pretty young.”

That led to some reminiscing about how much the county had changed from what it was like back when we both arrived – he moved up to Effingham in the mid 1980s from Savannah, where he’s from – and I got there in 1995 after graduating from Georgia Southern (finally). In 1995 as I recall, there were only three traffic signals in Effingham County. Two were on Highway 21 in Rincon and another in downtown Springfield. Now there’s three in Springfield – and another one on the way to keep people from getting killed near a new subdivision off the 21 bypass that shouldn’t have been built there in the first place – and eight or maybe nine in or near Rincon, and most were put there to keep people from getting killed after folks were killed -- and naturally I catch every red in town every time I go somewhere.

Pay attention in Pembroke, folks. That’s a sure sign of progress. More traffic lights to keep you from getting run over by all the new traffic.

Ah well. We Americans may lead the universe in complaining, but at least we’re sincere.

On to football. Latest standings after two weeks: District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington – one of my favorite human beings apart from me – is in first with only two misses. B.J. Clark thinks Noah is getting help from his grandson. I think it’s more likely Noah is brilliant. And has ESP. And can bend spoons and open cans of chili with his mind.

B.J., Mike Clark, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and Dr. Gene Wallace, dentist of record, are tied up for second with four misses. Word is Ben is taking Kung Fu classes so he can whoop some sense into arrogant homebuilders while also impressing the Hyundai folks.

Yours truly is in third with five misses. What did I tell you about them Gamecocks, eh? Eh?

The world’s oldest living sportswriter, Mike Brown – he is from the Crustacean period – is tied with PMFL spiritual guru the Rev. Lawrence Butler and former Bryan County News ace reporter Ted O’Neil for fourth place. They have six misses so far. Ted, by the way, is not only from Michigan, he’s also 12-foot tall and likes beef jerky.

Pine Tree magnate and District 1 County Commissioner-elect Alex Floyd is tied with retired Bryan County Fire Chief Freddy Howell for fourth place with seven misses apiece. Neither one of these folks knows anything about college football, or anything else for that matter. Which is why they are members of the PMFL.

Besides, naturally they know more about college football than County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger, who is not only a Clemson fan but is also in last place with 11 misses in only two weeks of action. At this rate, he will wrongly predict the outcome of something like 1,507 college football games before the season is over.

There are no picks this week, or at least not yet, because they’re not due until Friday, a day after this column runs. In its place, here’s a reminder from the late great Lewis Grizzard to folks from up north who moved down here to find fault with the South.

“Delta is ready when you are.”

Maybe.

Now semi-retired, Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.