Jeff Whitten
Columnist
Howdy and welcome to Week 2 of the Pembroke Mafia Football League, the world’s foremost authority on all things that start with the letter ‘B’. That means we in the PMFL are individually and collectively expert witnesses (certified to testify in court) on billygoats and beans, and bananas, and beets, and bustenhalters, and bats and belfries, and Bryan counties and Boston butts and Bigfoots.
And bees. And boob singular, which is the way a certain retired high school football coach I know used to describe a certain Savannah TV sportscaster. As in, “He’s a boob on the tube, hahahah,” but thus only one among the many thousand million reasons they call TV the boob tube.
And here, an aside: The boob singular is bad, or if not bad, then certainly not good though sometimes funny. The plural boob can be something altogether different and more interesting.
I’ll hush. Retired Navy hero B.J. Clark–who is no boob–dreams up this stuff. I just type. Bars. Bingo. Billionaires. Bungee jumping. Bouncing Bettys. Big shot bankers. Baggy britches. Beer.
Last weeks’ results:
District 1 County Commissioner Noah Covington had a perfect week to kick off the 2024 season. That’s because that cardboard box in his backyard was really a magic time machine. Noah used it to go to the future, get the scores, return to the present and make his picks. Unfortunately he also brought back a couple bad tempered Morlocks and had to set the box on fire to keep them from getting loose and roaming around Pembroke looking for developers to do bad things to. Now Noah will either have to find another magic cardboard box or miss picks like the rest of us.
Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter, is in second place with only one miss. B.J, Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor and me are in third with two misses apiece. Last week I mistakenly typed that Ben is the county manager. Nope, no, no siree. Ben is county administrator, which means he doesn’t manage. He administrates, baby. There’s obviously a difference.
Fourth place is knotted up with Mike Clark, who is going to wear budgie smugglers and become a TikTok influencer, District 1 County Commissioner-elect Alex Floyd, former Bryan County Assistant Editor Ted O’Neil, Dr. Gene Wallace, retired genius dentist, and PMFL spiritual advisor the Rev. Lawrence Butler are all tied up with three misses each.
Retired Bryan County Fire Chief Friendly Freddy Howell had four misses while County Commission Chairman Carter “Preparation H” Infinger had five misses, one of which was him taking Clemson over Georgia.
Sorry, Chairman, but that was never going to happen because Dabo Swinney is a human hamster pretending to be a football coach. He is rumored to be covered almost entirely in fur from the ears down. Sort of like Lassie, except in summer when he allegedly has his entire body shaved and wanders around the South Carolina Upstate in nothing but Bermuda shorts looking like the skin on Florida coach Billy Napier’s head. And I said allegedly, Clemson people. That means it’s probably true.
This week’s games: Georgia Southern at Nevada: Mike Brown and Ted take Nebraska, per B.J., who gets his states that start with the letter N confused. Good thing I’m here to help him out. There’s Nebraska, and Nevada and Nova Scotia and Newfoundland, and Nepal and Narnia. Glad I could help.
Texas at Michigan: Alex and Carter take Michigan, which is also a lake.
California at Auburn: Everybody takes B.J.’s favorite SEC team, WAR DAMN BEAGLE!!
South Carolina at Kentucky: After reading the first part of Shelby Foote’s history on the War between the States – also known by Granny Clampett as the War when the Yankees Invaded America -- I’m not sure even why Kentucky is allowed in the SEC, especially given its proximity to Ohio (often referred to as the Trailer Park of the Midwest). Hahhah, just kidding. That aside, me, Mike Clark, Ben and Gene take Carolina. It’s because we have couth. Look it up.
Temple at Navy: Freddy from Waycross takes Temple. He sometimes calls Paul Finebaum to explain it and to argue with Bubba-Sue from Alabammer, but Paul can’t understand Freddy because Freddy talks like he came from a swamp and has the world’s largest unexplored nasal cavity – which he did, and does. “Nanner puddingses dem Dawgus widdle bootleflap Bammerses dern pineycone and sarted on far!” That’s how he calls Wildcat games, too.
Marshall at Virginia Tech: Carter goes it alone to go with the Herd.
Tennessee at North Carolina State: Me and Freddy take the Wolfpack, or, as Freddy calls them, “Woofasauruses.”
Michigan State at Maryland: Mike Brown, Ben and Carter take the Terpins. Ted is a Michigan State alum, by the way, and is winning all sorts of press awards up there in the frozen tundra of East Lansing. He’s also 11-foot-2 and never needs repotting.
Baylor at Utah: Alex, Rev. Butler and Freddy take Baylor – which is one of those B words, as are brownies, bagels, boomboxes, bon voyages, biscuits, bobby socks and banana pudding.
Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News and really is every bit as dumb as he looks and writes.