By Jeff Whitten, contributor.

Welcome to week 1 of that annual exercise in pigskin peculiarity known as the Pembroke Mafia Football League and, as is customary, let’s start by introducing this year’s made membership.

Up first is our lifetime chairman- president and CEO, Rear Petty Admiral Master Chief B.J. Clark, USN retired. B.J., a Vietnam veteran, is a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164 and doubles as commandant of the North Bryan Navy --- which at the moment consists of about 14 bass boats, half a skiff and two leaky old slip and slides B.J. keeps under his shed to scare away snakes.

Then comes Mike “Vanilla T” Clark, the only member of the PMFL who wears a leather vest and has groupies. He’s not only a famed hip hop country rap artist whose song “Lawn Chair of Love” hit the top 500, he’s also in charge of tractor parts procurement. When you need a sprocket or belt for a tractor, see Mike. Just don’t let him rap at you.

Up next is Noah Covington, longtime King of the North and D-1 representative on the Bryan County Board of Commissioners. He’s fixing to wrap up a long career in county government so he can run for Gubner. You can thank him later. We will. He likes cake and ice cream and ding dongs.

Then there’s Alex Floyd, Prince of the North and the incoming D-1 representative on the Bryan County Board of Commissioners. Though he doesn’t take office until Jan. 1, Floyd is already making waves by insisting that District 1 secede from Bryan County and become its own separate nation-state called Cleukenheimer’s Corner. Stay tuned. Unless you’re from Ohio.

There’s also District 5 Commissioner Dr. Gene “Mr. Goldteeth” Wallace. Gene’s a real retired dentist, which means he’s got most of the money left in South Bryan. Like Noah, Gene is stepping down from his seat on the County Commission so he can concentrate on something more lucrative, like stand-up comedy. Hearing Gene tell about that time he accidentally pulled the wrong woman’s tooth and then hid the evidence by dropping it in a horse trough urinal at a Georgia-South Carolina game will have you in stitches.

And there’s Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter “Pius Pipsqeuamious” Infinger, who recently won yet another term in office only to prove the old adage about local government true. Namely, you’re going to make half the people you meet mad no matter what you do. Of course, being a county commissioner is like being a mayor, a sheriff, a football coach or an editor. Everybody can naturally do those jobs better than the incumbent, if they were dumb enough to do them. But they’re not. They’re smart enough to tell you how your messing up.

Which reminds us that what with NIL in play – NIL standing for Name, Image and Likeness and the NCAA’s ruling that college athletes can make money off those three things – the PMFL could have its first NIL contract in play. That’s because Infinger, Covington, Wallace and County Manager Ben Taylor (also a PMFL member, albeit one who needs a booster seat to watch games) being natural poster boys for industrial sized tubes of Preparation-H, with H standing for prevention against a certain discomfort in the bottom region caused by a certain carmaker starting with the letter “H.”

Did we mention Ben Taylor? He’s the only county manager in the world with an entire set of chester drawers dedicated to socks, some of which sort of twinkle at you while others look like they escaped from a Dr. Seuss movie in which furry little things run from developers. Of course, Ben has also taken to hiding those socks by wearing elevator possum-skin boots so he can use the adult facilities at Williams-Brice Stadium, which won’t be this year because UGA dropped the real USC from its schedule in order to pad its schedule with the likes of Texas.

And then there’s Freddy Howell, who used to be fire chief until he decided to retire after a lifetime of public service. Freddy’s from Waycross and a descendent of Obedabidabadoo Howell, who settled the Okefenokee and made it safe for settlers. Freddy, of course, talks funny because he grew up on a diet of things that lurk deep in the swamp and eat other things that lurk deep in the swamp. Sometimes, Freddy even glows in the dark. He’s trying to figure out how to do it on command so he can impress people at parties.

Who else? Welp, we’ve got the Rev. Lawrence Butler, our resident spiritual guru and the guy tasked with keeping us out of trouble with the Man Upstairs. And we’ve got Mike Brown, the world’s oldest sportswriter. Mike covered Babe Ruth in Little League and he’s still doing a bang up job today covering the local high school teams. And then there’s former Bryan County News assistant editor Ted O’Neil, who is the polar opposite of a damn yankee in more ways than one. For one thing, he’s a nice guy. For another, he went back up north to his home state of Michigan, having had enough of the South’s hurricane season to last him a lifetime. If only about 4 million other transplants would get the hint, there might be room around here to ride ponies.

And then there’s me, and I’m often mistaken for a hobgoblin, albeit one with specs. I’m the guy who has to decipher B.J.’s hieroglyphics to put this thing together. Now on to the picks.

Last week’s game: Noah, Mike C., Carter and Freddy got off to a 1-0 start picking Ga. Tech. The rest of us are 0-1.

This week’s games:

• Lehigh at Army: It’s unanimous for Army and our friend Jeff Monken.

• TCU at Stanford: Carter picks Stanford. The rest of us take the Horned Froglodytes.

• Clemson at UGA: Carter takes Clemson – he went to Newberry, which is where rich kids who don’t like cows go to root for CU – while everybody else takes UGA. Except for me. I abstain and take the loss. My unholy trinity of college football is Clemson, UGA and Ohio State, in that order.

• Penn State at West Virginny:

Alex and Freddy take WVU.

• South Dakota State at Oklahoma State: This is one of those games where you get to pick between Cowboys and Jackrabbits. Nobody takes the rabbits.

• Miami at Florida: The smart guys – that’s B.J., Noah, Alex, Mike B. and me – take the Canes. We should run for office. Oh, wait. Some of us already have.

• Boise State at Georgia Southern:

This one is intriguing, until the Broncos blow the doors off the Eagles in the second half. Maybe. I hope not. Anyway, Noah, Alex, Mike Brown, Ben and the Rev. Larry take Boise State. Maybe the giant potato will be there and we can all have mashed taters afterward.

• Idaho State at Oregon State: Beavers dominate. Oh boy.

• Notre Dame at Texas A& M: Mike C., Alex, Rev. Larry, Carter, Freddy and Dr. Gene take the Aggies. The rest of us refuse to be associated with an institution that allows guys who all look like Neidermeyer to roam the sidelines doing the side straddle hop and trying to pass them off as cheerleaders, or yell leaders, or whatever.

Have a great weekend and do something good for (or to) your fellow man.

Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.

Summary:

U of Miami @ U of FLA-------BJ, Noah, Alex, Mike B, Jeff, select Miami Boise ST @ Ga Southern ------Noah, Alex, Mike B., Ben, Rev Lawrence, all select Boise.

Idaho ST @ Oregon ST----All Beavers this week.

Notre Dame @ Texas A& M----Mike C, Alex, Rev Lawrence, Carter,Freddy and Dr Gene select Texas A& M 

(Jeff will do the write ups in the Bryan County News. Stand by for a ram to starboard! Thanks Jeff and thanks for all our players.)