Jeff Whitten, Local Columnist.
Welcome to another week of the Pembroke Mafia Football League. With only about a dozen or so days left until Christmas, we thought it might be a good idea to share some last minute gift ideas for your favorite PMFL member.
For B.J. Clark, retired Navy chief petty admiral and a big cheese in Pembroke American Legion Post 164: He asked for a copy of “Hypnotizing Squirrels for Dummies.” B.J. has an abundance of squirrels in his yard and wants to safely and humanely get them to go harass his neighbor’s bird feeders. The great thing about squirrel mind control is that once you’ve mastered the art you not only can talk to them in their own language, you also can safely carry squirrels around in your pockets and under your hat, which will amaze your friends and strike fear into the heart of your enemies.
Also, according to someone on the internet, you can hypnotize a squirrel simply by squishing it “really tight to your body.” There’s a video, but we’re on deadline here. If you try this at home let B.J. know whether it works and maybe he won’t need to read the book.
For Mike Clark, our Minister of Tractor Parts and the only one of us PMFL members good looking enough to have groupies: An economy sized bottle of Studly Do-Right’s Emergency Squirrel Scented Heifer Repellent. That should be self-explanatory.
For Noah Covington, District 1 county commissioner emeritus and an all round wonderful egg: A copy of “101 Ways to Cook Squirrels in a Crock Pot for Dummies.” Noah is fixing to step down from the commission and wants to sharpen up his culinary skills and begin entertaining, and there’s no better way to host a supper party than to learn the art of fine cuisine. This book offers recipes and tips on how to prepare everything from squirrel dumplings to fried squirrel livers to squirrel chitlin sorbets. Mmmm, mmm good. Squirrel. It’s what’s for supper.
For Alex Floyd, who takes over the District 1 county commission post in January: A Gen. MacArthur hat to wear to commission meetings. It’s been said Alex plans on shaping up his district, since it had gotten rather complacent under the benevolent rule of Noah. Alex’s list of things to do on day one reportedly includes pardoning all those who voted and or ran against him as well as putting 100 percent tariffs on everything imported from those yankees in South Bryan. To do so he needs a good general’s hat, and MacArthur’s was probably the best. Note: If you can’t find a MacArthur hat, get one of Napoleon’s. Make North Bryan Great Again.
For Bryan County Administrator Ben Taylor, who won the first half of the 2024 PMFL season going away: Ben, who stands about 2-foot-8, is actually an elf, and there’s plenty of reasonably priced elf stuff out there to buy – such as a pair of enchanted elf slippers. Given Ben’s love of things to put on his feet (he wears boots made out of recycled hummingbirds, for instance), this might be the best bet. Either that, or buy him a snow globe he can use as his man cave.
For Dr. Gene Wallace, DMD and District 5 county commissioner: Being a retired dentist, Gene hates anything to do with teeth and sometimes has bad dreams about a giant molar with a pair of pliers chasing him around the living room. Luckily, there’s a cure for that. It’s called bourbon. Get Gene some bourbon and help him sleep better.
For retired Fire Chief Freddy Howell, king of the hoses: Freddy is from somewhere on the fringes of the Okefenokee Swamp and dadnubit he sure sounds like it. Freddy needs a book on plain American English for Dummies so he’ll quit sounding like Slim Pickens gargling with peanut butter flavored moon pies.
For the Rev. Lawrence Butler, PMFL spiritual guru: World peace and a bottle of hair tonic. Preachers are notoriously hard to buy for because you’re afraid if you get them something they don’t like they might mess up your chances of getting into Heaven.
For Bryan County Commission Chairman Carter Infinger: Carter already has 18 houses, four Jacuzzis and a private jet, and a toupee so good you’d never know it wasn’t his real hair, so he’s also hard to buy for. That said, years ago the late Richard Davis, Richmond Hill’s longest-ever serving mayor, had a lifelike statue of Henry Ford made and erected at City Hall (it has long since been relocated somewhere else, perhaps because it sort of looked like old Henry had been stuffed and mounted and startled some visitors).
Given Carter’s many years of service to the residents of Bryan County, perhaps it’s time someone commissions someone to create a similar lifelike statute of Carter and place it in the South Bryan Administrative Complex. With advances in AI and robotics and the like, this one could talk.
“That’s right, that’s right,” it could say, just like Carter, then go find a TV camera to get in front of.
For Mike Brown, the world’s oldest living sportswriter: He’s already outlived most of his organs and gotten fancy new ones, but the batteries in them frequently need to be replaced. Mike could use a case of AAA batteries. Except for his new brain. It takes a nine volt battery, just like your smoke alarm does.
For Ted O’Neil, former BCN assistant editor now winning Michigan Press Association prizes left and right up there in his native stomping grounds: Ted is looking forward to retirement age so he can devote much of his time to traveling around the country on a Honda competing in line dancing, his secret passion. Unfortunately, once one retires one can also be hit with all sorts of signs one is getting older, according to TV commercials.
One such sign is the apparent need for special underwear so that if one sneezes or laughs too hard while out with friends one doesn’t need to go back home and change, one can keep right on enjoying life to the fullest. Not saying Ted’s in that boat or will ever be there, but it can’t hurt to be prepared. Either that, or get him a Harley and one of those leather vests with skull patches on it.
For me, the world’s dumbest hack and PMFL secretary: $1 million in unmarked $20 bills would work. Put it in a stocking.
Standings:
Remember, we’re into part two of the season now, aka the Bowl and NCAA playoff season.
Noah, Gene and Mike C. are tied for first with just one miss. Alex, Mike B. and B.J. are in second with two misses each.
Freddy is in third with three misses. Carter and the Rev. missed four and are in fourth, I’m in fifth with five misses and Ted and Ben missed six to bring up the rear.
This week’s games: Army vs. Navy: B.J. takes his alma mater, the U.S. Navy. I used to root for Navy when I was in the Army, but now I’m all for the Black Knights and Jeff Monken’s option attack. So is everyone else.
Western Michigan vs. South Alabama: Alex, Carter, Ted and Gene take the Broncos.
Georgia Southern vs. Sam Houston:
The Sam Houston sports information folks noted this game matches up two former I-AA powerhouses with a combined seven national titles between them. That’s kind of like saying me and Elon Musk combined have $352 billion. Anyhow, everybody goes with the Iggles.
Idaho vs. Montana State: B.J. Mike C., Noah, Carter, Gene and Ted take the Vandals from the potato capital of the universe.
UIW vs. South Dakota State: Rev.
Lawrence takes UIW.
UC Davis vs. South Dakota: Alex, me, Carter, Ben and Gene take UC Davis, who is probably not related to the Richmond Hill Davises.
Mercer vs. North Dakota State: Mike C., Carter, Freddy, Ben and Gene take the Bears. They’ve obviously never played in the Fargodome.
South Carolina State vs. Jackson State: Alex, me, Gene and Carter take the Bulldogs.
Ferris State vs. Slippery Rock: Me, Mike B., Carter, Ted and Ben take Ferris to not take a day off. Get it?
MaryHardin-Baylor vs. John Hopkins: Me, Gene and Freddy select Mary Hardin-Baylor. Gene had an aunt named Mary Hardin, so we’re bound to win.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading.
Now retired, Jeff Whitten is a former editor of the Bryan County News.